


you taught me the courage of stars before you left

by bakudexu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Iwaizumi Hajime, Canonical Character Death, Gay Oikawa Tooru, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Iwaizumi Hajime Is So Done, Iwaizumi Hajime is Bad at Feelings, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, M/M, Music, Pining Oikawa Tooru, Please Don't Hate Me, Protective Iwaizumi Hajime, Romance, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Stargazing, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:19:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28026138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakudexu/pseuds/bakudexu
Summary: Rumour has it that Oikawa Tooru died because of love. That he had loved one so much, that his last breath was a whisper of his name.—-“Life is unfair” Iwaizumi whispered, holding Oikawa’s hand in his, “You shine so bright Oikawa, so bright that sometimes it blinds me”Terminal Illness AU!
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	1. starry sky in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> first off, sorry for writing this I'm just stuck in iwaoi hell-
> 
> English isn't my first language so please bear with me. 
> 
> PLAYLIST [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4V00861ptQE9uSH5asyfdj?si=aVnTOb9fR5KLqNerUfx-dQ)

_You who suffer because you love, love still more. To die of love, is to live by it._

**_-victor hugo_ **

_July 20th:_

  
"I love you" Oikawa whispered, out of breath. As if he was suffocating and had to catch his breath, "I love you so much," he murmured again.  
  
Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow slightly confused.

"yeah, i lov--"  
  
" No," Oikawa cuts off, " no, you don't get it"  
  
Tooru took a deep breath, looking at the sky. He started counting the stars a while ago, and he continued doing so as he chose his words.  
  
Iwaizumi stoop up, "Oikawa, are you o--"  
  
"I'm _in love_ with you."  
  
Iwazumi's face froze, his body tensed beside Oikawa. Tooru stifles a laugh of relief. After three long years, he had _finally_ admitted it.  
  
"I love you," he said once more, like it's something that was _made_ for _his_ lips to whisper, "I love you, Iwa-chan"   
  
Oikawa kept his eyes fixed on the starry sky, conscious of the weight of his confession. He didn't need to turn around to know that lying next to him, Iwaizumi was petrified. After all, who wouldn't be when a childhood friend confessed their feelings for you? When a best friend confessed their feelings for you? How many years had he just ruined with 3 little words?  
  
"I-," Iwaizumi sighed, "i don't-- i mean, i've just never--"  
  
"Oh, I know" laughed Oikawa bitterly, "I know..."  
  
Believe me, he _knew_. He always knew. His love was, is, and will always be unrequited. But as the years went by, his feelings kept on getting stronger and stronger and he just couldn't lie about it anymore. Loving Iwaizumi felt like _dying_. His heart was aching all the time, his blood was boiling inside of him. And god, he just couldn't seem to _breathe_ , it was so suffocating. It felt like drowning.  
  
"I'm sorry," Iwaizumi apologized because what _else_ could he say?  
  
"I know," he whispered again.

They were silent for a while until Oikawa spoke again.

"are you mad?"  
  
"Mad? Oikawa no- what-- no, I'm not mad, why would I be? "  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Look," Iwaizumi said with a delicate voice, "I love you, and you know that, but just, not like that,"   
  
Oikawa turned his head towards him, a reassuring smile on his face. Encouraging him to continue.  
  
"I don't want to lose you.You're my friend and i care about you. Iwaizumi smiled." Is it okay if we stay friends? " he asked, scratching the back of his head,"best friend, we're best friends right?"  
  
"yeah, we're best friends" Oikawa nodded.  
  
And they _were_. Since that day in kindergarten, where Oikawa had been so terrified he had bitten down his lip until it bled and Iwaizumi had appeared, holding out a hand for Oikawa to take.  
12 years passed since, but when Oikawa closed his eyes, he could still remember the warmth of Iwaizumi's hand from that day. He could still remember how bright, how gentle his smile had been.  
  
"You can go, "He paused." I think I'll stay for a bit. "  
  
"But--"   
  
"Iwa-cha." Oikawa smiled.

Iwaizumi wanted to insist, but Oikawa's tone was soft, almost begging him to leave, and so instead he said:  
  
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."   
  
"Bye, Iwa chan" Oikawa whistled.  
  
Standing up, Iwaizumi started slowly walking away. But just when Oikawa thought he was alone, he spoke again:  
  
"Oh and," he scoffed, "Happy birthday Oikawa." His voice was gentle, like he was apologizing again.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Oikawa closed his eyes, listening to the sound of Iwaizumi's footsteps as he walked away, until he vanished completely, leaving him alone, lying on the grass of their favorite park.   
His smile faded instantly and his lips began to shake. He brought his hand to his shirt, grabbing it violently as his heartbeat fastened, frantic.  
The wind was blowing slowly, taking the soft brown hair of Oikawa with him.   
  
"I know..." Oikawa murmured, voice breaking.  
  
 _But it still hurts._  
  
On the day of his 16th birthday, Oikawa had confessed his feelings and had been _rejected_. And if under Miyagi's starry sky, Oikawa's eyes filled with tears as well as stars maybe it wasn't the worst that could happen to him.

* * *

"We're watching the alien documentary."  
  
"No we're _not_." Oikawa scoffed, "we're watching mean girls" he said, pointing at the pink and black DVD he was holding in his hands.  
  
"Yes we are. We watched your shitty culinary contest last week end. "Iwaizumi replied.  
  
"That's different Iwa-chan, Top chef is _actually_ good."  
  
Both sitting on the couch of their apartment, Iwazumi and Oikawa had been arguing for almost 15 minutes over which movie they would watch.  
  
"And so is my alien documentary. Aliens are _neat_ " Exclaimed Iwaizumi,"There's no way I'm watching Mean girls again so drop it"  
  
"You love Mean Girls," Oikawa teased, bumping their shoulders.  
  
"I have taste. You don't Shittykawa"  
  
"You're so mean," Oikawa whined between laughs.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, pass me the remote."  
  
"Get it yourself. I'm gonna go sleep, Im tired" Oikawa answered, standing up.  
  
Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. Oikawa seemed overly tired recently and it worried him. He didn't seem to be working more than he used to yet _every day_ for the past month he'll eat and go straight to bed after work.  
  
"Okay, good-- OUf," Iwaizumi choked, glancing at his laps , "You're kidding right?"  
  
Oikawa smirked, eyes shutting.  
  
"What do you mean?" He asked innocently.  
  
"I'm not a fucking pillow get off me," Iwaizumi hissed.  
  
"Don't wanna"  
  
Iwaizumi sighed with exaggeration, but added nothing. The movie began, and his eyes fell back on Oikawa, his head still on his lap, eyes closed. He had dark circles visible under his eyes and his _breathing_ seemed irregular.  
  
"You okay?" Iwaizumi asked simply. Oikawa opened his eyes a little, a smile on his face.

"I am, don't worry" his eyes shut, "Just tired"  
  
Iwaizumi nodded at that. He tried to concentrate on the film that had just started, ignoring the little voice in his head that was _screaming_ at him to insist. If Oikawa wanted to talk to him about it, he would do so on his own free will.  
  
Oikawa did not wake up for the rest of the evening. His eyes remained closed, and his breathing slowly calmed down.  
  
Around 12:30 Iwazumi turned off the TV and tried to wake Oikawa gently, without success. So, taking care not to wake him up, he had slipped one of his hands on Oikawa 's back and another under his legs lifting him gently and carrying him to his room . He smiled when he discovered that Oikawa never removed the small fluorescent stars from his ceiling, giving the impression of being under a starry sky. There must have been over a hundred of them, some even on the walls.  
  
 _This guy really has a serious problem with stars_ , he thought.  
  
Muffling a small laugh, he put Oikawa in his bed, covering him with a blanket. He closed the door quietly before turning off the lights of the living room making his way to his own room.  
  
And if he snicked under his sheets burying his nose in his shirt to smell Oikawa's scent, _no one_ could witness it. And no one could blame him either, because after all, Oikawa smelled like _home._

* * *

Kuroo liked to talk about Kenma. It was a fact that most people realized after only a few minutes talking to him. If you were talking about the flavor of ice creams, he would tell you how Kenma eats his ice cream by biting into it. If you were talking about music, he would talk about the new artist Kenma had introduced him to. And god, if you _dared_ to talk to him about volleyball, he would tell you about all the times Kenma was able to break through the strategy of the opposing team.

In short, Kuroo loved talking about Kenma.

"Kenma, Kenma, that's all you talk about," Oikawa laughed.

"No one's stopping you from talking 'bout your boyfriend" Kuroo shrugged.

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Sure, you guys live together, spend your entire life with each other, love each other, but he's not your boyfriend."

"Exactly." Oikawa Answered

"When are you gonna confess anyway?"

Oikawa suddenly stopped smiling. He lowered his head and stared at the coffee cup in front of him. He had gotten used to people assuming that he and Iwaizumi were dating and some times he didn't even have the courage to correct them. 

"Oh, you didn't know ?" he chuckled, "He _knows_."

"What do you mean? He knows?" Kuroo asked, confused.

"He knows," Oikawa said again, "I confessed, multiple times."

"What?" Kuroo eyes widened with surprise, "When?"

"10 years ago," Oikawa whispered suddenly taken back to that night,"I was sixteen,"

"What?" Kuroo asked again, "You- You still--"

"Love him?" Oikawa mumbled looking away. His eyes fixed on the crosswalk, looking at the people walking around Tokyo's streets," Of course I do"

"But it's been _ten_ years." 

Oikawa laughed at that. Of course it's been ten years. He knew that better than anyone else.

"I never managed to stop," he said, finally looking at Kuroo again.

Not much people knew about this, because to be honest, Oikawa was ashamed of it. How he never managed to _stop_ loving Iwaizumi when the other would clearly _never_ reciprocate his feelings. How he's _never_ kissed anyone and how he _still_ spends most of his nights dreaming of Iwaizumi's body pressed up against his. All of it was embarrassing. So usually, he would just laugh it off when people asked about his relationship with Iwazumi.

"He loves you too, you know" Kuroo teased, but it sounded serious.

Oikawa shot him a reluctant glare "He doesn't." he said coldly

"How'd you know that?"

"Because he turned me down," Oikawa mumbled,"Can we stop talking about this and go back to you sweet talking about Kenma again?" 

"Oh come on!" Kuroo exclaimed, "It's not like he's all I talk about" Kuroo crossed his arms, obviously offended.

"Yes, he is" Oikawa teased, laughing.

Kuroo started talking again, something about how Oikawa always exaggerates everything, but Oikawa was barely listening, lost in his thoughts. The last time he confessed was on his last birthday. Oikawa had promised not to ever speak up about his feelings, except on his birthday.

For ten years, the nights of his birthday wee spent in a park, under the stars with Iwazumi. And _every single_ time Oikawa would let himself whisper I love you's. It became a routine. They would walk in silent. Oikawa would let his hand brush against Iwaizumi's and Iwaizumi would comply, keeping his mouth shut. Neither ever tried to _actually_ take the hand of the other, keeping the touch, soft, _almost_ inexistent. They would sit on the grass, talk a little, Oikawa would stare at the stars, and Iwazumi would stare at Oikawa. Like he was waiting for him to open up. Or maybe because he liked the way the stars looked in Oikawa's eyes.

Oikawa would sigh, and lose his eyes. "I love you," he would whispered. "I still do, Iwa-chan, it hurts so much." And on and on, _for_ _hours_ sometimes. Iwaizumi would sit next to him, smiling gently, apologising, over and over,"'I'm sorry" "I'm so sorry." And eventually, Oikawa would ask him to leave, saying he was gonna hang around a little bit more and go home. Once again iwaizumi would comply, knowing Oikawa would cry.

He knew because on Oikwa's 22th birthday he pretended to leave. Hiding behind a bench, he heard Oikawa yell at the top of his lungs, crying for a love Iwaizumi _just couldn't give him._

 _I'm so sorry,_ he thought, finger clutching his shirt.

Iwaizumi was pretty sure that this night, under the starry sky, cradled with Oikawa's tears, his heart shattered in a thousand pieces. Because that's also the night he _swore_ to never fall in love.

_If that's how bad it hurts, then I won't._


	2. the sky belongs to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Each word leaving Tooru's lips felt like knives piercing through Iwaizumi’s heart. Like someone was stabbing him over and over again, not giving him a second to catch his breath or process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a small mention of blood in the first part, just skip when Kuroo says "It's either you go check that up..." and start reading again when Oikawa says "You wouldn't". <3
> 
> LISTEN TO THIS PLAYLIST WHILE READING [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4V00861ptQE9uSH5asyfdj?si=aVnTOb9fR5KLqNerUfx-dQ)
> 
> This chapter is a rollercoaster of emotions i apologies.

_such as we are made of, such we be._

**_-William Shakespeare._ **

"Excuse me, you did _what_?" Exclaimed Oikawa standing up, eyes wide.

"I proposed "Answered Kuroo with the biggest smile Oikawa's ever seen on him.

"No, you did _not_." He said.

"I very much did, and he said yes" Kuroo grinned.

"Are you sure Kenma said yes?" Oikawa asked doubtfully, "No 'cause I remember him telling me how he'll never marry anyone _especially not_ you."

"First off, ouch and second, of course, I'm sure, he even cried"

"There's no way you're getting married when I never kissed anyone, no way, no, nope, nooope," He said, sitting down.

"Why don't you just make out with someone and get it over with" Kuroo questioned, genuinely interested.

"Cause I want my first kiss to be with someone I love," Oikawa pouted.

"You're so cheesy,"

"Says the one who just proposed." 

Kuroo just smiled at that. Oikawa might have been teasing but he was happy. Kuroo was like a little brother to him, and seeing him this happy made him smile so big. He still remembered how he asked for advice on how to ask someone out years ago. How he had rushed to his apartment on the night of his first date with no idea what to wear. Or how he talked about the way Kenma's lips tasted after their first kiss. 

"--- kawa, Oikawa ! Dude, are you okay?" 

Suddenly aware of what was happening, Oikawa coughed. His breathing, as well as his heartbeat, was frantic and he suddenly felt exhausted. His vision was blurry and before he could answer Kuroo, he was on the floor, whimpering, trying to catch his breath. 

Kuroo followed, completely panicked, "Hey, lay on your back, slowly" Oikawa complied with a small nod, "please someone gets help" he yelled at the people walking the street, "okay, are you feeling better?

Oikawa shook his head, his breathing was getting worse and when Kuroo pressed a hand on his chest, he realized how bad his heart was hurting him. _It isn’t like with Iwa-Chan_ he thought, _no this genuinely hurt._

"Okay, no laying then, sit down," Kuroo said softly trying to help him sit down.

But as soon as Oikawa stood up, his mind went blank and he felt his eyes shut. Before completely passing out, he heard Kuroo yell his name, asking him to stay awake, and then nothing. 

It's only a minute after, that Oikawa regained consciousness, opening his eyes painfully. Kuroo was looking at him with worried eyes, a small smile tugging his lips, trying to encourage him.

"Hey there," Kuroo whispered, "You scared the hell out of me; you know that"

Oikawa scoffed. He was on his back again, and his belt and collars had been loosened. He tried to stand up, but Kuroo immediately held him down, shaking his head," No, no way you're standing up now, you stay like this for at least 10 minutes, you got that?" Oikawa nodded. Kuroo was rarely a serious person but he looked so worried that Oikawa couldn't help but listen.

"This was meant to happen, have you seen how exhausted you look recently?" Kuroo said.

" 'm fine," Oikawa mumbled. 

"No, you're not. You gotta get checked up."

"Kuroo, _I'm fine_ " Oikawa shrugged, moving to a sitting position, "See, I'm fine"

"Are you gonna see a doctor?"

"No. But I promise I'm okay. I just need a good night's sleep."

"You choose," Kuroo said, "It's either you go check that up or I call Iwaizumi and tell him you _fainted_ and coughed _blood._

"You wouldn't."

Kuroo smirked, "Oh, believe me, I would."

"Fine, I'll go," Oikawa hissed, annoyed "Give me a hand."

"Stay still for a while, god, Oikawa you just _fainted_ ," Kuroo exclaimed, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, okay. I get it stop yelling, jeez."

"You're a pain."

"Likewise," Oikawa mumbled, sticking his tong out.

* * *

"Can we just stay in tonight?” Oikawa asked softly, eyes sleepy.

He definitely didn't want to worry Iwaizumi about what happened with Kuroo two days ago,( especially since he still avoided going to the hospital) but he was so tired he didn't feel like going out. Birthday or not he just wanted a good night of sleep. 

“What?” Iwaizumi asked, surprised,” But it’s your birthday”

Oikawa rubbed his eyes slowly. He looked more tired as weeks went by and Iwaizumi was _really_ starting to worry. Did Oikawa realize how exhausted he looked? The bags under his eyes had grown bigger, and he was always covered with a sweater or a blanket. He would fall asleep on Iwaizumi’s lap every Friday and Saturday night instead of watching their usual movie. And he even stopped fighting over what show they were gonna watch giving Iwaizumi a sleepy smile telling him he could go ahead and watch whatever he wanted.

“I know,” Oikawa answered, “But I’m a little tired today”

_You’re tired every day, Iwaizumi thought._

“But I have a surprise for you,” He said instead.

Oikawa wrapped a blanket around himself, sitting lazily on the sofa, “Aw Iwa-chan, you bought me something? ”

“I did.”

Oikawa’s smile widened at that, a soft pink making it’s way across his cheeks, “Well, just give it to me here, we don’t need to go out for that, He mumbled.

“Are you sure?” He asked, “We _always go_ stargazing on your birthday.”

“I know, I just don’t feel like it today.”

For some reason, Iwaizumi’s heart skipped a beat at that. _Was Oikawa— - was Oikawa not in love with him anymore?_ What that the reason he wanted to stay in today? Because he didn’t need to open up from now on?

He couldn’t really explain why, but the thought of that made him mad. He could hear his heart roar in his chest. He could feel it hurt like he’s been stung.

“Are you— -Did you meet someone? ”He asked bluntly.

“What?” Oikawa raised an eyebrow, “Did I meet someo— - _Ohhhh_ ,” Oikawa said suddenly understanding what Iwaizumi meant by that.

“It’s okay if you did, I’m happy for you.”

_He wasn’t happy. At all. It pissed him off._

“I didn’t, though.” Oikawa smiled.

_What?_

“What?” Iwaizumi asked echoing his thoughts.

“There’s no one” Oikawa shrugged, trying to pretend he wasn’t hurt, “I mean I didn’t meet anyone, you know, there’s no one else,” A pause. “Just... you,” he added voice above a murmur.

Iwaizumi’s gaze met Oikawa’s and for the second time today, his heart skipped a beat. Oikawa was sitting on the couch, his hair messy, arms around his legs. His cheeks were bright red, and he was biting his lips nervously, embarrassed.

He looked flustered, and that was a look Iwaizumi never experienced on Oikawas face. He looked cute, or _at least_ cuter than usual and that thought made Iwaizumi panicked.

Not cute.

“Okay then...” He whispered, drowning in Oikawa’s chocolate eyes.

“Okay.” Repeated Tooru.

But then, it hit Iwaizumi. _“Just you.”_

Not looking away, his legs moved before he could even process it. He was suddendly standing next to Oikawa helding out his hand with a smile tuggings his lips, “Come on, I said I had a surprise for you. ”

Oikawa’s eyes seemed to light up at that. He pushed the blanket off him, smiled softly, and placed his hand in Iwaizumi’s with a chuckle. “Fine.”

Making their way out of their apartment, Oikawa gently squeezed Iwaizumi’s hand, telling him he could let go, but he didn’t. To Tooru’s surprise, _not once from_ all the way to his favorite park in Tokyo, not once did Iwaizumi let go. His hand felt warm, reassuring, but at the same time, it felt possessive.

“Iwa-chan, you can let go now,” He said out loud this time.

“Will you shut up?”

“Meanie” Oikawa laughed,“Is that my surprise in the bag?” He asked pointing at the bag Iwaizumi was holding in his other hand.

“Shut up”

Oikawa scoffed, “Are we there yet?” Oikawa questioned, looking around. They’ve been walking around the park for a while now.

“Almost” Answered Iwaizumi fastening their pace.

After another five minutes, it looked like they were finally here because Hajime stopped in his track, finally letting go of Oikawa’s hand. Tooru's hand felt cold without the warmth of the Iwaizumi's hand in his. Iwaizumi didn’t leave him time to ask anything because with his free hand he held up Oikawa’s chin, pointing at the starry sky.

" _That’s_ your gift.” He declared.

“The sky?” Oikawa asked, breathless. Iwaizumi was way too romantic for him to stay calm. His cheeks were burning and the hand still on his chin felt like _fire._ “That’s not a gift. It doesn’t belong to you” he continued, trying to sound teasing.

“That’s true. It belongs to **_you_ **. ”

Oikawa turned his head, meeting Iwaizumi’s gaze, “What? ”

“Well, just a little part of it.” He corrected, offering him the bag he had been holding since they left.

“What?” Oikawa asked again, taking the bag in his hands, looking confused, “What do you mean? ”

“Will you just shut up and open it?"

And so Oikawa did. 

_“certificate: HR0026_

_Coordinates: RA 26h 42m 03s_

_DEC 35° 30 37_

_Official name: Tooru Oikawa_

_Registration date; 20 July 2010”_

“Happy Birthday Tooru” Was all Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa’s heart was about to burst out of his chest. It was beating so fast he thought he was going to _die_. Without any warning his eyes started filling with tears, his breathing became frantic, reading and re-reading what was before him.

“You— You bought me a star.”He whispered, mind blank, still in shock.

“Yeah, I did” He shrugged, “Well technically I gave your name to a star, yeah.”

Tears running down his cheeks, Oikawa just _couldn't_ believe it. Was Iwaizumi real? How did he even manage to buy that? How expensive could an actual star be? 

“You bought me a star” Oikawa repeated.

“huh, yeah, I guess. ”Oikawa wasn’t processing. And so, because that’s all he could say, he repeated one last time:

“You bought me a star” This time his voice sounded normal like he was stating a fact.

Iwaizumi nodded. “You’re the pro, so it’ll be your job to try and find it, I tried but the instructions are just too complicated for me.”

Oikawa giggled at that, picturing Iwaizumi here alone trying to find a tiny, _tiny_ star.

“Thank you,” He smiled, Oikawa’s smile was so big, “I love it.”

“Good. Wanna go home? ”

"No. Let’s stay for a bit. ”

“Okay,” Iwaizumi agreed.

“Okay." Oikawa chuckled.

It was Oikwa's 26th birthday. He was _still_ lying on the grass of his favorite park Iwaizumi beside him. He was _still in_ love with him. Loving Iwaizumi _still_ felt like dying. His heart was _still beating_ fast. And just like ten years ago he was _still_ crying. But this time not for the same reason.

* * *

Iwaizumi was a pretty introverted person, so when Kuroo called him, asking him to keep an eye on Oikawa all he did was nod adding a little "Mhm". He knew it wasn't necessary to ask why because Kuroo wouldn't tell him a thing and because he already knew something was off with Oikawa.

He noticed weeks ago but said nothing. And that's what he would keep on doing. If Oikawa had something to say, he would do it when he felt like it, when he was ready. 

And so he waited. Waited for Oikawa to come home and open up. And eventually, when Oikawa did come home, he had smiled, asking how Iwaizumi's day went. 

He had mumbled a quick answer, patting the space next to him on the sofa.

"What are we watching?" Oikawa asked as he placed his head on Iwaizumi's lap.

"Mean Girls." He didn't need to look at him to know Oikawa was smiling, because he always was. Oikawa was always smiling. 

"Are you _sure_ you don't like it?" Oikawa smirked, "Cause we've been watching it a lot recently, not that I'm complaining"

"Shut it, the movie's starting."

Iwaizumi tried to keep his eyes on the TV, ignoring Oikawa's glare. Seconds, minutes passed and Oikawa still wouldn't look away. Hajime was about to say something when he felt a finger brushing softly against his lips. He glanced down at Oikawa who had his eyes fixed on his lips, cheeks red. 

"Oi-Oikawa?"

"Do you think---I'll get to kiss you one day? Just _once_..."Oikawa whispered, once again he looked breathless like he had trouble breathing.

"Do you want me to kiss you now?" Answered Iwaizumi.

Tooru's face became bright red, blood boiling inside his veins. What kind of question was that? Of course, he wanted Iwaizumi to kiss him. But not out of pity, Oikawa could take everything but there was one thing he hated: when people took pity on him.

"No. I don't," Oikawa said, "I want you to kiss me when and if you want to."

_Then why are your finger still on my lips, wanted to answer Iwaizumi._

"What if that never happens?"He said instead.

"Then we'll never kiss," Oikawa mumbled.

"Are you okay with that?"

Iwaizumi's heart was beating fast, he was terrified and excited at the same time. Having no idea what his body was doing. All he knew is that he's never talked about Oikawa's feelings before, or at least not since ten years ago. He's only ever listened to Oikawa flow of feelings. They never actually discussed it.

"Are _you_ asking---If _I'm_ okay with never being kissed by you?"Oikawa asked, confused.

"I am."

"I don't really have a say in that." Oikawa chuckled.

"That's not what I asked."

Oikawa's hand finally dropped beside him, leaving Iwaizumi's lips alone. Iwaizumi suddenly felt deprived of touch, his lower lip burning missing Oikawa's gentle fingers.

"I'm okay with it."

"You're breathing heavily," Iwaizumi noted.

Oikawa licked his lower lip, and Iwaizumi turned his gaze away.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Don't apologize, Shittykawa."

"I hate you so much."

Iwaizumi laughed.

* * *

“Iwa-chan we’re leaving,” Oikawa screamed from the living room, “Kenma’s gonna kill us if we’re late to his marriage, what are you doing?”

Autumn and Christmas had passed. It was February and Kuroo and Kenma were finally getting married. Oikawa had helped Kuroo with the organization, no matter how tired he was, and even when Kuroo found out what the doctor had said about Oikawa’s health. "I want to." Oikawa begged," I want to do something for you before—-Before I can’t anymore.” Kuroo's eyes teared up at that but he nodded, accepting Oikawa's request.

“I’m coming, five sec”

Oikawa rolled his eyes. Since when did Iwaizumi need hours to get ready? That was usually _his_ thing.

The door of the bathroom swung open, Iwaizumi appearing in the doorway wearing a black suit, “We can go now.”

_Oh god._

Clearly checking Iwaizumi out, Oikawa’s jaw dropped in awe. He was gorgeous. The suit was fitting him perfectly his posture was tonic, svelte. His eyes seemed greener than they usually did and his hair was styled in a messy but not too messy kind of way, and all Oikawa could say was, “Wow.”

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow concerned, “What?”

Oikawa gulped.

 _Act normal._ “Oh, I just haven’t seen you in a suit since prom” He scoffed, “ And that was a while ago”

“It’s not really my thing...Does it looks weird?” He said, making his way to the living room to grab his coat. 

“No! Not weird at all! You look—- You look good, very good.” Oikawa exclaimed nodding nervously.

“You too.” Oikawa blushed, “Your speech is ready?” Iwaizumi asked closing the door of their apartment behind them.

"Yeah, I finished it yesterday."

"Alright, I'm sure you'll do great anyway." Iwaizumi smiled.

"Of course I will!"

"And here you go again"

"You love me Iwa-chan." he teased, "No need to deny it"

"If that makes you feel better"

Oikawa giggled.

* * *

"Have you talked to Iwaizumi about it?" Kuroo asked.

"Kuroo, you just got married, I'm doing my speech in less than five minutes, can't we drop it? Just for tonight?"

Kuroo didn't answer.

"I will tell him this week, I just need to find the right time" Oikawa whispered, Iwaizumi was right next to him and tonight was not the time to talk about that.

"You've been saying that for the last six months"

"Alright, I'll tell him tomorrow" Kuroo still seemed to think he was lying so he added, "I _promise_ "

"Fine." he sighed, "But you better do it tomorrow or I'll kill you"

"I will now will you shut up and let me do my speech?"

"Go on" Kuroo nodded.

"Thanks, jeez." Oikawa stood up, "Guys, please !" He exclaimed, "Hi, please look over here"

Everyone enjoying their dessert suddenly turned their head looking at Oikawa. Iwaizumi smiled.

"Hi, my name's Oikawa, and honestly because Kuroo begged me to, I'll be making the famous -congrats for getting married bro- speech, so bear with me here"

The room filled with laughter, Kuroo smiling big.

"Okay so---"

* * *

_~~Kuroo~~ Tetsurou speech: _

_Hi, my name's Oikawa Tooru, and I'm Tetsurou's big brother, well not really but that's what he is to me, like a little brother, emphasis on the word little._

_I remember meeting Kuroo on my first day of college, I was late for a class and we bumped into each other. I know right, straight out of a movie, and yet I'm not the one he married. That day he spilled his coffee ALL OVER ME, (thanks for ruining my favorite shirt man.) He offered to treat me to some coffee to apologize and I accepted._

_That's how we met, and look where I am now, at your marriage, doing this stupid speech._

_Before going all cheesy on how absolutely adorable you and Kenma are, I just want to remind you that I still haven't made out with anyone and that I still feel TOTALLY betrayed._

_Now, I think I should tell you guys about the first time Kuroo talked to me about Kenma. He came back from this volleyball match which he totally lost looking utterly happy. And being a volleyball player myself let me tell you that there's no way, anyone would come back with a smile that big after losing a match. But he did. He smiled the entire night, telling me about how pretty the other team's setter was. I think it's safe to say that this night, I had to endure a lot, lot of pinning._

_That was the first time Tetsurou ever told me about Kenma. He still does, by the way, talk about Kenma, a lot--every minute lot._

_And even if I tease him about how cheesy he is, I just love how even after eight years, Kuroo still tells me about Kenma. Like nothing changed from that first night._

_A part of me always hopes someone will talk about me like that, eyes shining, a big smile on their face. I hope one day someone will love me the way Kenma loves Kuroo. I hope one day someone will look at me the way Tetsurou looks at Kenma._

_They're an inspiration. They truly are._

_I know I don't say it enough but I'm proud of both of you. And I love you both, so so much._

_To Tetsurou and Kenma._

_-Oikawa Tooru._

* * *

Iwaizumi felt that something was off for the whole day. He couldn't really explain why he felt that way or why he came back home earlier until he saw Oikawa sitting on the couch, a mug in his hands, covered with his comfort blanket. 

He looked lost in his thoughts, looking out the window of their living room.

"Hey" Iwaizumi murmured sitting next to him.

Oikawa suddenly aware of Iwaizumi's presence, shifted his body to face him completely, pushing the blanket off him. He knew he looked tired and for once he wasn't in the mood to hide it with makeup. Their eyes met, leaving Iwaizumi voiceless,his eyes grew bigger looking terrified. Looking worried. Oikawa was pale and the bags under his eyes that Iwaizumi hadn't seen for a while were back _bigger and darker_. He was wearing a weak smile and his eyes were red, meaning he had cried.

"Is everything alright?" Iwaizumi whispered, already knowing the answer.

"I need to tell you something," Oikawa said, serious. His voice wasn't like normal, he sounded far away, lost.

"Okay"

"You have to _promise_ not to get mad at me," he said, eyes filling with tears.

"I won't, I swear." Iwaizumi reassured, "You're starting to freak me out, what's going on?"

Oikawa took a deep breath. His weak smile disappeared, an expression Iwaizumi just couldn't put a name on forming on his face.

"I'm dying" 

Iwaizumi's heart stopped. With two little words, Iwaizumi felt his world _shatter_ into thousands of pieces. The look on Oikawa's face was sad. So sad he couldn't help but believe him. 

"What?" He stuttered.

"I'm sick, I'm going to die" He repeated, like a robot, like he practiced saying that a million times and _maybe he did._

"But---How? Since when- I don't--" Iwaizumi sobbed. He couldn’t hear himself speak. The room was spining, he felt dizzy. His eyes filled with tears as he took Oikawa’s hand in his.

"It's called CHF. Congestive heart failure. It's complicated but they discovered it very late, and even so there's no cure. Only a treatment that helps people live a little bit longer" Oikawa explained. 

"How much longer ?" Hajime was whispering, voice low, broken.

"Does it matter?"

Iwaizumi's eyes met Oikawa's, "Yes."

"For those with advanced forms of heart failure, nearly 90% die _within one year._ "

Iwaizumi could hear his heart beat fast in his chest. This was too much, all of it.

"I have six months left, max.” 

Iwaizumi stopped breathing.

"I've been hiding it from you since July.” Oikawa blurted, he gave Iwaizumi a small smile, ”I’ve been wearing makeup”

Each word leaving Tooru's lips felt like knives piercing through Iwaizumi’s heart. Like someone was stabbing him over and over again, not giving him a second to catch his breath or process. He was trying _so hard_ to imagine what a world without Oikawa would look like but he simply couldn’t. Oikawa was colors, warmth, he was sun and he was snow. He was tears and joy, he was love and friendship. Oikawa was _his world_. Tooru was his _everything._

"But why? Why would you hide that from me?”

"Because I wanted someone to look at me like Oikawa Tooru and not a _disease_ with legs" Oikawa answered voice trembling, " I wanted you to still find me pretty, and that wasn’t possible with the way I look like right now"

Iwaizumi wanted to tell him how pretty he _always_ looked. No matter how dark the bags under his eyes were, no matter if he was dying or not. But anger took over and he let go of Oikawa’s hand shouting: 

"That was not your decision to make!" 

"Yes, it was! ”Oikawa snapped. 

“I should at least have a say in this!” 

“No you shouldn’t” Oikawa yelled, “I’m the one dying. The decision of who I tell that too belongs to me, _not you, not Kuroo_ , **me** ! And you said you wouldn't get mad at me, and you just did!" he added, coughing. He was crying again. Making his breathing irregular.

There was silence after that. The only sound in the room was Oikawa’s heavy breathing. 

It lasted seconds, minutes even. Until Iwaizumi spoke again.

“I’m sorry Tooru I didn't mean to yell" he whispered, moving closer to Oikawa.

Careful not to hurt him, He slowly slid his hands over Oikawa's back, hugging him tenderly. He felt Oikawa’s body tense at the touch, shivering. "I'm sorry, I'm not mad, please don't start crying again" He apologized. "Okay," Tooru nodded. “I won’t cry” But he still did. Iwaizumi could feel his shirt getting wetter as the minutes passed. He wasn't going to let go and maybe Oikawa understood that because after a while, his grip on Iwaizumi’s shirt loosened, and he melted against him.

"I'm sorry." Oikawa whispered" I'm _so_ sorry"

Iwaizumi couldn't answer. He didn't even have the _strength_ to. The words "I'm dying" repeating in his head over and over, like a curse, pushing the knife a little deeper each time. Oikawa's body felt cold against his. He wasn't as warm as he used to be, he wasn't as bright as he used to. But that didn't change anything, and so Iwaizumi brought him closer. Feeling Oiwaka's fast heartbeat slowly calming. And just when he though Oikawa was falling asleep, he heard him whisper:

"I don't want to die." And then, “ _It hurts_ Iwa-chan”

Iwaizumi had sworn not to never fall in love. Because he knew it would break his heart if he did. Yet here he was. On a sofa with Oikawa in his arms, his heart breaking just like glass. He couldn’t decide what hurt the most. Was it the idea of Oikawa, his best friend dying, or was it the idea of losing the man he was in love with? Probably Both. Because he was both.

But for now, time seemed to have stopped, leaving them in the middle of February with snow falling outside, holding each other close. And Iwaizumi wasn’t going to think about _anything else._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to mia for reading the beta version of this, i'm sorry for making you cry hehe :)
> 
> Leave a kudo or a comment if you feel like it, it'll make my day.
> 
> thank you for reading!


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